Lately, I feel the need to ask for a re-do a lot more often than I'd like.
The examples are endless. There's the emails I've drafted that I should have seriously reconsidered before hitting the send button. There's the impulsive, unsolicited comments that slip out in meetings that can be portrayed adversely. There's the harsh words that come out of nowhere every so often, from a tired, stressed Mommy and aimed at the closest target, which unfortunately is usually Justin.
Justin and I were recently asked to give our testimonies on the spot. "No problem" I thought. I marched up to the front of the room of our church membership class will full confidence. I've delivered my testimony publicly on many occasions, and was excited to share the change that having a relationship with Christ has made on my life. Testify of His greatness? His love? His forgiveness? Yes! I have so much to say in this area. Justin went first and did awesome! I've always admired his stage presence, his ability to command attention and his quick wit. And I never get tired of hearing his testimony as it is so different than mine, and reminds me of who he was long before I met him. While Justin spoke, I had so many thoughts swarming in my head. Example after example of great things God has done in my life, that no one else could have done but Him. When given my cue, I stuttered out a few sentences and then crumbled into a blubbering mess of words that were neither articulate or grammatically correct. I don't think I spoke for more than a minute or two, before realizing that I had no clue where I had started, where to go, what to say. I had started and re-started sentences only to still not make any sense at all. I think I mustered up an, "and that's all!" with a plastic smile on my face. I sheepishly went back to my chair thinking, what is wrong with me?
A few weeks ago, I was meeting with my new team of 5 colleagues at work to discuss our schedules through the end of the year. While discussing vacations, I mentioned that I had been trying to use my vacation time wisely, as our travel for our adoption would come without much warning. They all looked at me like deer in headlights and were quiet. Then someone said, "you're adopting?". Crickets. I hadn't told them yet?! I thought they knew! After all, I had told a few select coworkers in the prior months, and no one keeps a secret around my office, so I assumed everyone knew by now! The cat was still in the bag and I let it out. Why did I do that? If they didn't know, then this isn't how I wanted to tell them. This is exciting news that I like to share with people in a delicate, memorable fashion. I care about these people. Although we are a new team, I care about their lives, and I know they care about mine. Before I could back peddle, they began firing questions at me, "where are you adopting from?", "are you adopting a boy or a girl?", "how old?", "what made you decide to adopt?". I panicked. I don't know why I panicked. I felt exposed. It was like I told a secret I wasn't supposed to tell, and I was feeling guilty, which is twisted because it's my secret. And then came the question whose answer covets a serious re-do... "why not adopt from the US?". I know the answer to this question! It is a simple, yet meaningful answer. It doesn't require much explaining, although I could talk about it for hours. When considering where to adopt from, God led us to seek the a place where there is poverty. And orphans. Lots of orphans. We knew we couldn't make a difference for all of them. But for one. We could make a difference for one. Ethiopia is one of the poorest countries in the world, and out of poverty has come wars, prostitution, child trafficking, AIDS, unwanted births, hunger, starvation, abuse, neglect. By the way, did I mention there is an estimated 5 million orphans? This is why we chose Ethiopia. See?! This is a simple answer! Do you think this is what I said to the guy that asked, "Why not adopt from the US?" No! I'm too ashamed to remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of "opportunity for a child to hear the gospel", and something about there being a "church on every corner of America". And then I referenced orphanages in America. Do you know of any orphanages in America? No? That's because we have a foster care system! Why did I say this? Where did this random answer come from? This isn't my answer? What is wrong with me? ... I seriously want a re-do on this one.
Addison is 3. When something doesn't go her way, she often demands a re-do. For instance- she was standing on her stool at her bathroom sink ready to brush her teeth the other morning. I grabbed her Jake the Pirate toothbrush, ran it under the faucet, and dabbed a little toothpaste on it. With a crinkled forehead, she yelled, "Mom! I wanna do dat"! In typical 3 year old fashion, she got off her stool waving her hands, running in place, and screaming, "take it off, take it off, I wanna do dat!". I apologized profusely (for not reading her mind sooner of course) and wiped the toothpaste off of her toothbrush and put it back in her toothbrush holder. Once all was restored to the beginning of the scene, she climbed up on her stool and did it all by her big girl self. She got a re-do.
It is days like today, that like Addison, I want to throw myself a tantrum just like a 3 year old and declare a re-do.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Family - July 2012
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
He makes all things work together for His good
Our hearts have been heavy all day with the news of extended family members, Courtney & Jason Murphy, who welcomed today their baby girl, Clara Elyse, today at only 25 weeks of pregnancy. She weighs less than 1.2 pounds. Thoughts swarm about what the future holds for her life, and the long journey she and her parents have ahead of them.
The reality of this story hits all too close to home for our extended family. Justin's oldest brother and wife lost their son, Cameron, at only 9 days old to illness. Justin's youngest brother, Joseph, suffered brain damage at birth due to a lack of oxygen, and his mom shares accounts of his early months where doctors didn't expect him to live. He's now 16! Though he lives with limitations and challenges, he is expected to live a long and happy life.
Switching gears... stay with me... Justin's dad passed away unexpectedly in 2009. Not knowing what it is like to lose a parent, and not knowing his dad all that well, I struggled to support Justin emotionally and sometimes felt like a failure as a wife. I couldn't fix the pain he was experiencing. When we returned to church the Sunday following the funeral, the first worship song we sang... okay we mostly cried through it... was "Your Love Never Fails". The chorus resounded the words "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5). This was the beginning of the healing process for Justin. He clung to the word JOY, knowing that his joy was lost. And in deep, dark moments like that you fear that it won't be restored. God's Word reminds us to consider it joy when we suffer. When we suffer, we are drawn closer to Him, thus producing even more faith (James 1:2-3). After all, has anyone ever suffered more than Christ did? He is the Great Physician. Who else could heal our pain? Who else understands and knows us so intimately, but the Creator Himself?
Three weeks after Justin said goodbye to his father, God blessed Justin with the news of becoming one. We had just sat in Grandma Sue's living room telling Justin's step-mom, Beth, that we didn't think we could get pregnant after trying for the last 15 months and had recently received some negative test results. Now, we were able to tell her that she was going to be a grandmother. The timing could not have been better. Though this news wouldn't replace her husband or remove the pain she was suffering, this news brought her JOY. I can vividly recall the moment of telling her she was going to be a grandmother. Tears flooded our faces. Such a bittersweet time for all of us, that I can't wait to recount for Addison when she is older.
Fast forward 8 months to the birth story of Addison- which I couldn't help but replay today after learning of Baby Clara's arrival. When my water broke, the nurse detected meconium in the amniotic fluid. (Meconium aspiration is what lead to Justin's brother, Joseph, not being able to breath at birth. It's also what led our nephew, Cameron, on a life flight to Duke). I wish I could say we were worried, as I am the ruler of worry. However, a peace... one which passes all understanding... covered us like a warm blanket on a cold day. This peace guarded our hearts, our thoughts. (Phil 4:7) The kind of peace that could only come from something or someone much greater than us humans. The fears of the unknown never crossed our minds. We followed the doctor and nurses' instructions and trusted that all would be fine. The medical staff said that they didn't want Addison to cry once delivered, as they'd need to clear her lungs of the meconium, and crying would only increase the severeness of aspiration. Isn't "the cry" one of the most memorable moments at child birth? This didn't concern me a bit. In fact, when they took her to the table to begin suctioning her lungs, I was counting her fingers and toes from a distance. Why on earth I was concerned more about her fingers and toes, than her life is shocking to me now. I say all this to say, this peace was so super natural! It was not normal!
It's this supernatural peace that we felt that I pray for Courtney and Jason as they begin a long road ahead of them with Baby Clara. We all have different stories. Different endings. At times we suffer little, and at other times, we suffer greatly. It's when we find joy in our suffering, that Christ is magnified in our hearts and lives.
When we walked into church this morning, like I said when I started this post, our hearts were heavy. A picture of Baby Clara in our minds... so tiny. The chorus resounded the words "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning", as we again sang the song, "His Love Never Fails". Another favorite line in this song goes, "He makes all things work together for His good". Some things? No, all things. Our good? No, His good. As believers and followers, we can rest assured that God is in control. We know that whatever the outcome, He makes all things work together for His good. (Rom 8:28). That His story for our lives is way better than anything we could write ourselves.
Praying for His blessings and favor over the sweet life of Baby Clara. For our friends battling cancer, suffering from a mental illness, struggling with addictions, going through a divorce, or grieving the loss of a loved one ... whatever the suffering may be, may you find strength, hope and perseverance during this difficult time. And lean on the one true Healer, to restore your joy in the midst of it all.
The reality of this story hits all too close to home for our extended family. Justin's oldest brother and wife lost their son, Cameron, at only 9 days old to illness. Justin's youngest brother, Joseph, suffered brain damage at birth due to a lack of oxygen, and his mom shares accounts of his early months where doctors didn't expect him to live. He's now 16! Though he lives with limitations and challenges, he is expected to live a long and happy life.
Switching gears... stay with me... Justin's dad passed away unexpectedly in 2009. Not knowing what it is like to lose a parent, and not knowing his dad all that well, I struggled to support Justin emotionally and sometimes felt like a failure as a wife. I couldn't fix the pain he was experiencing. When we returned to church the Sunday following the funeral, the first worship song we sang... okay we mostly cried through it... was "Your Love Never Fails". The chorus resounded the words "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5). This was the beginning of the healing process for Justin. He clung to the word JOY, knowing that his joy was lost. And in deep, dark moments like that you fear that it won't be restored. God's Word reminds us to consider it joy when we suffer. When we suffer, we are drawn closer to Him, thus producing even more faith (James 1:2-3). After all, has anyone ever suffered more than Christ did? He is the Great Physician. Who else could heal our pain? Who else understands and knows us so intimately, but the Creator Himself?
Three weeks after Justin said goodbye to his father, God blessed Justin with the news of becoming one. We had just sat in Grandma Sue's living room telling Justin's step-mom, Beth, that we didn't think we could get pregnant after trying for the last 15 months and had recently received some negative test results. Now, we were able to tell her that she was going to be a grandmother. The timing could not have been better. Though this news wouldn't replace her husband or remove the pain she was suffering, this news brought her JOY. I can vividly recall the moment of telling her she was going to be a grandmother. Tears flooded our faces. Such a bittersweet time for all of us, that I can't wait to recount for Addison when she is older.
Fast forward 8 months to the birth story of Addison- which I couldn't help but replay today after learning of Baby Clara's arrival. When my water broke, the nurse detected meconium in the amniotic fluid. (Meconium aspiration is what lead to Justin's brother, Joseph, not being able to breath at birth. It's also what led our nephew, Cameron, on a life flight to Duke). I wish I could say we were worried, as I am the ruler of worry. However, a peace... one which passes all understanding... covered us like a warm blanket on a cold day. This peace guarded our hearts, our thoughts. (Phil 4:7) The kind of peace that could only come from something or someone much greater than us humans. The fears of the unknown never crossed our minds. We followed the doctor and nurses' instructions and trusted that all would be fine. The medical staff said that they didn't want Addison to cry once delivered, as they'd need to clear her lungs of the meconium, and crying would only increase the severeness of aspiration. Isn't "the cry" one of the most memorable moments at child birth? This didn't concern me a bit. In fact, when they took her to the table to begin suctioning her lungs, I was counting her fingers and toes from a distance. Why on earth I was concerned more about her fingers and toes, than her life is shocking to me now. I say all this to say, this peace was so super natural! It was not normal!
It's this supernatural peace that we felt that I pray for Courtney and Jason as they begin a long road ahead of them with Baby Clara. We all have different stories. Different endings. At times we suffer little, and at other times, we suffer greatly. It's when we find joy in our suffering, that Christ is magnified in our hearts and lives.
When we walked into church this morning, like I said when I started this post, our hearts were heavy. A picture of Baby Clara in our minds... so tiny. The chorus resounded the words "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning", as we again sang the song, "His Love Never Fails". Another favorite line in this song goes, "He makes all things work together for His good". Some things? No, all things. Our good? No, His good. As believers and followers, we can rest assured that God is in control. We know that whatever the outcome, He makes all things work together for His good. (Rom 8:28). That His story for our lives is way better than anything we could write ourselves.
Praying for His blessings and favor over the sweet life of Baby Clara. For our friends battling cancer, suffering from a mental illness, struggling with addictions, going through a divorce, or grieving the loss of a loved one ... whatever the suffering may be, may you find strength, hope and perseverance during this difficult time. And lean on the one true Healer, to restore your joy in the midst of it all.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Finally... progress!
We we received an update this week that three children joined forever families through our agency in the month of August. I hadn't heard from our case worker in several weeks, so I decided to call for an update. I was thrilled to learn that we are now #10 on "the list". She also said that she knows of 5 referrals coming in now, which means we will very quickly jump to #5, assuming all referrals pan out. Finally! Progress! It felt like we have been at #16 for so long, and all along we were moving up the list and didn't know it. We've been practicing patience as best we know how, and so today's news truly felt like a little reward for staying focused and engaged in the present.
We've really been enjoying reading books to Addison recently that offer opportunities to talk to her about the adoption. There is only so much she can grasp as a 3 year old. My cousin sent her one of my childhood favorites for her birthday last month- "Corduroy". For those of you that haven't read this one, it is a sweet story about a teddy bear in a store that gets overlooked by shoppers due to the missing buttons on his overalls. A little girl sees him while shopping with her mom and returns the next day with all her money to buy him. She takes him home and immediately starts to fix his missing button, while telling him she likes him just the way he is, but thinks he will be more comfortable with the new button. This simple story has given us wonderful opportunities to talk to Addison about bringing home a child in need of a home and family, who we will love and accept unconditionally.
Tonight, I read another book, given to us by our agency, "A Mother for Choco". Choco is a little yellow bird, with big cheeks and striped feet who goes animal to animal looking for his Mommy. Each animal turns him away saying, "but you don't look like me". Addison compared herself to Choco and his potential parents and said, "I have big cheeks! Just like you Mom!" (She is so right!) Choco is eventually taken in by Mama Bear, who have lots of children that don't look like her- Ali the Alligator, Piggy the Pig and Hippy the Hippo. Addison then went and found her favorite stuffed animal "Bear" and held him up to the pages to show that they matched (she is so smart!). We then talked about how her sibling won't look like us, but they will be ours and we will love them all the same.
I love talking to her about her soon-to-come-sibling, our soon-to-be child and we treasure praying for him or her with Addison each night.
Waiting hasn't been necessarily easy, but the comfort that comes from putting the details in God's hands has been abundant. I have moments when I long to have our child in our arms and worry about how much I'm missing out on their life at this moment- first steps, learning words, not being able to comfort them when they fall. Occasionally, it's difficult to see others bring their child home, or celebrate and share in our friends' excitement who are expecting. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for them! It's just the flesh in me begins comparing and asking the "what about me?" questions. But then I remember, that's God's story for their lives, not for ours. And His story for our family is still unfolding, not to mention way better than we could ever script ourselves. We also take much joy in the extra days, months and years that we have one-on-one with Addison. This is priceless and we know we can't get it back once it is gone. She's one incredible little girl that brings so much life to living, so we are definitely enjoying this extra time with her that we wouldn't have otherwise.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight". Proverbs 3:5-6
Prayer needs:
Pray that our child is getting the care and love that they need
Pray for our emotions to be protected as we anticipate a referral soon
Pray for the mental and emotional preparation that needs to take place in us in the upcoming months
Dare I say pray for patience? Even though referrals are coming in pretty quickly, adoption laws change in September. There is a lot of uncertainty around how these new regulations will affect timeframes and the overall process.
We've really been enjoying reading books to Addison recently that offer opportunities to talk to her about the adoption. There is only so much she can grasp as a 3 year old. My cousin sent her one of my childhood favorites for her birthday last month- "Corduroy". For those of you that haven't read this one, it is a sweet story about a teddy bear in a store that gets overlooked by shoppers due to the missing buttons on his overalls. A little girl sees him while shopping with her mom and returns the next day with all her money to buy him. She takes him home and immediately starts to fix his missing button, while telling him she likes him just the way he is, but thinks he will be more comfortable with the new button. This simple story has given us wonderful opportunities to talk to Addison about bringing home a child in need of a home and family, who we will love and accept unconditionally.
Tonight, I read another book, given to us by our agency, "A Mother for Choco". Choco is a little yellow bird, with big cheeks and striped feet who goes animal to animal looking for his Mommy. Each animal turns him away saying, "but you don't look like me". Addison compared herself to Choco and his potential parents and said, "I have big cheeks! Just like you Mom!" (She is so right!) Choco is eventually taken in by Mama Bear, who have lots of children that don't look like her- Ali the Alligator, Piggy the Pig and Hippy the Hippo. Addison then went and found her favorite stuffed animal "Bear" and held him up to the pages to show that they matched (she is so smart!). We then talked about how her sibling won't look like us, but they will be ours and we will love them all the same.
I love talking to her about her soon-to-come-sibling, our soon-to-be child and we treasure praying for him or her with Addison each night.
Waiting hasn't been necessarily easy, but the comfort that comes from putting the details in God's hands has been abundant. I have moments when I long to have our child in our arms and worry about how much I'm missing out on their life at this moment- first steps, learning words, not being able to comfort them when they fall. Occasionally, it's difficult to see others bring their child home, or celebrate and share in our friends' excitement who are expecting. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for them! It's just the flesh in me begins comparing and asking the "what about me?" questions. But then I remember, that's God's story for their lives, not for ours. And His story for our family is still unfolding, not to mention way better than we could ever script ourselves. We also take much joy in the extra days, months and years that we have one-on-one with Addison. This is priceless and we know we can't get it back once it is gone. She's one incredible little girl that brings so much life to living, so we are definitely enjoying this extra time with her that we wouldn't have otherwise.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight". Proverbs 3:5-6
Prayer needs:
Pray that our child is getting the care and love that they need
Pray for our emotions to be protected as we anticipate a referral soon
Pray for the mental and emotional preparation that needs to take place in us in the upcoming months
Dare I say pray for patience? Even though referrals are coming in pretty quickly, adoption laws change in September. There is a lot of uncertainty around how these new regulations will affect timeframes and the overall process.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Family of 4?
Many of you have already heard our exciting news! But if you haven’t, let us be the first to share…. We are adopting!
- Our child! Given the age range we are open to, our child is most likely born, but may or many not be in an orphanage yet. Pray that they are getting food, that they have shelter, and are getting hugs from somebody.
- Pray for the caregivers at the orphanages that our agency works with. I can imagine they are overwhelmed with the number of children and lack of resources.
- Pray for preparation on our part. We have a TON of books to read and research to complete in preparation of adopting. We know we will never feel fully prepared, but pray that we are diligent in trying.
- Here's the ugly one… patience! This is a slow process with little foresight. Also, changes in the process are inevitable, so pray for patience with any changes that come our way.
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