Lately, I feel the need to ask for a re-do a lot more often than I'd like.
The examples are endless. There's the emails I've drafted that I should have seriously reconsidered before hitting the send button. There's the impulsive, unsolicited comments that slip out in meetings that can be portrayed adversely. There's the harsh words that come out of nowhere every so often, from a tired, stressed Mommy and aimed at the closest target, which unfortunately is usually Justin.
Justin and I were recently asked to give our testimonies on the spot. "No problem" I thought. I marched up to the front of the room of our church membership class will full confidence. I've delivered my testimony publicly on many occasions, and was excited to share the change that having a relationship with Christ has made on my life. Testify of His greatness? His love? His forgiveness? Yes! I have so much to say in this area. Justin went first and did awesome! I've always admired his stage presence, his ability to command attention and his quick wit. And I never get tired of hearing his testimony as it is so different than mine, and reminds me of who he was long before I met him. While Justin spoke, I had so many thoughts swarming in my head. Example after example of great things God has done in my life, that no one else could have done but Him. When given my cue, I stuttered out a few sentences and then crumbled into a blubbering mess of words that were neither articulate or grammatically correct. I don't think I spoke for more than a minute or two, before realizing that I had no clue where I had started, where to go, what to say. I had started and re-started sentences only to still not make any sense at all. I think I mustered up an, "and that's all!" with a plastic smile on my face. I sheepishly went back to my chair thinking, what is wrong with me?
A few weeks ago, I was meeting with my new team of 5 colleagues at work to discuss our schedules through the end of the year. While discussing vacations, I mentioned that I had been trying to use my vacation time wisely, as our travel for our adoption would come without much warning. They all looked at me like deer in headlights and were quiet. Then someone said, "you're adopting?". Crickets. I hadn't told them yet?! I thought they knew! After all, I had told a few select coworkers in the prior months, and no one keeps a secret around my office, so I assumed everyone knew by now! The cat was still in the bag and I let it out. Why did I do that? If they didn't know, then this isn't how I wanted to tell them. This is exciting news that I like to share with people in a delicate, memorable fashion. I care about these people. Although we are a new team, I care about their lives, and I know they care about mine. Before I could back peddle, they began firing questions at me, "where are you adopting from?", "are you adopting a boy or a girl?", "how old?", "what made you decide to adopt?". I panicked. I don't know why I panicked. I felt exposed. It was like I told a secret I wasn't supposed to tell, and I was feeling guilty, which is twisted because it's my secret. And then came the question whose answer covets a serious re-do... "why not adopt from the US?". I know the answer to this question! It is a simple, yet meaningful answer. It doesn't require much explaining, although I could talk about it for hours. When considering where to adopt from, God led us to seek the a place where there is poverty. And orphans. Lots of orphans. We knew we couldn't make a difference for all of them. But for one. We could make a difference for one. Ethiopia is one of the poorest countries in the world, and out of poverty has come wars, prostitution, child trafficking, AIDS, unwanted births, hunger, starvation, abuse, neglect. By the way, did I mention there is an estimated 5 million orphans? This is why we chose Ethiopia. See?! This is a simple answer! Do you think this is what I said to the guy that asked, "Why not adopt from the US?" No! I'm too ashamed to remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of "opportunity for a child to hear the gospel", and something about there being a "church on every corner of America". And then I referenced orphanages in America. Do you know of any orphanages in America? No? That's because we have a foster care system! Why did I say this? Where did this random answer come from? This isn't my answer? What is wrong with me? ... I seriously want a re-do on this one.
Addison is 3. When something doesn't go her way, she often demands a re-do. For instance- she was standing on her stool at her bathroom sink ready to brush her teeth the other morning. I grabbed her Jake the Pirate toothbrush, ran it under the faucet, and dabbed a little toothpaste on it. With a crinkled forehead, she yelled, "Mom! I wanna do dat"! In typical 3 year old fashion, she got off her stool waving her hands, running in place, and screaming, "take it off, take it off, I wanna do dat!". I apologized profusely (for not reading her mind sooner of course) and wiped the toothpaste off of her toothbrush and put it back in her toothbrush holder. Once all was restored to the beginning of the scene, she climbed up on her stool and did it all by her big girl self. She got a re-do.
It is days like today, that like Addison, I want to throw myself a tantrum just like a 3 year old and declare a re-do.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
